Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.